You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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