Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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