Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
