drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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