Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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