My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?