I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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