the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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