There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
