Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
