Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
