you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
