this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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