if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
