Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
