I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
