WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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