Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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