I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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