i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
