Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
