I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this just has baby written all over it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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