you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
