You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
