The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
