peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
