I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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