if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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