She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
