so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
