How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
