Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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