i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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