you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
