I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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