it was like eating out sand paper
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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