i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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