John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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