i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
