There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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