you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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