whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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