i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Randomize
