I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the condom got lost in my hair
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
