dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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