Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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