capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
