How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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