party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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