She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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