Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
