I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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