I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
