I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
