Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
