when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
